Monday, July 04, 2011


the new address is:

a crazy beautiful mess

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

4 years!!!!

Four years ago today I went to my 37 week appt. to check on baby Ian. This was literally the first visit that Steve did not go with me. ~ Our nursery was still not painted and I asked him to stay behind and finish it up and I would be home shortly...little did I know I would be having a baby that day. While they were checking my blood pressure (that had been steadily rising for a couple weeks) the nurse stopped and called another nurse over to check (by the way, usually not a good sign). After the second nurse checked it they both looked at each other - you know the "look". I asked them what was wrong and they said that they would get the doctor. So, Dr. Woods comes over and checks my blood pressure and they all 3 "look" at eachother. He tells me my blood pressure is 180/110 and that it looks like I'll be having a baby today.
I call Steve (who is stranded at home because we have one car at the time - AHHHHH!) and tell him I have to have the baby now. He doesn't seem to process what I am saying (I learn later that he thought I might be exaggerating a little). He calls my mom to work out details of her coming and picking him up and bringing him to the hospital. In the meantime (which was like 5 seconds), I call my good friend Lori, who lives in Arlington where I was and also goes to the same set of doctors. It's a blur of exactly what I said to her, but I think it went something like... "ahhh, LORI!!! I have to have the baby TODAY!! I don't know where the hospital is!! sob, sob, sob, Will you come get me?? sob, sob, sob"
Thankfully, her boss was awesome enough to let her leave work and let her take her friend "who doesn't know where the hospital is" to have her baby. p.s. Thank you, Lori!! If it were not for you....well...who really knows how I would have gotten there;)
After what seemed like FOREVER (especially to Lori;), Steve and the rest of my family got there. I labored for about 5 hours and never dilated passed a 3. At that point, the doctors started urging for a c-section (which I was petrified about having); then they came in and told me that his head was starting to swell - so off we went to surgery to deliver this BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT baby boy.
We named him Ian Micah Elder!! Ian means "Gracious Gift from God" - and that he is!

I am always amazed at how quickly babies grow and change. They learn SO much in their first year of life - physically and mentally. They go from basically a blob (a cute, sweet smelling, never want to put you down blob) to sitting, standing, walking, exploring, touching EVERYTHING, stringing sounds into words little toddler. They are just incredible!!!

And then their second year of life they learn how to speak in sentences and develop unique personalities. They are the most hilarious person you know. Tempers flair and hugs and kisses become even more awesome!

At three they want to do everything on their own, by themselves. They do not need your help, nor do they want it (until they get so frustrated they fall on the floor in a fit of despair ;).
You start to recognize their true gifts that God has blessed them with. You fall so much deeper in love with them your heart feels as though it can hold no more - and you rejoice in that this is just the beginning.

Then comes 4!!!! They are smart and they know it! ;) They want to help all the time (well, as long as there is not something better to do). They get angry when things don't go their way and tell you that "it would be a good idea to get rid of the time-out chair!" You watch them develop real friendships with other kids and pray for their relationships. They love Jesus, singing and any sport that involves a ball.

Our sweet Ian is 4 today! He is so smart and loving. He is quick to let go of his anger and frustration (which I admire already:). He loves to draw people in his family, paint ANYTHING you will let him, ride his bike, plant flowers. He forgets absolutely nothing...NOTHING! He's quite hilarious too. And he is THE BEST BIG BROTHER we could have ever prayed for.
You changed our lives in miraculous ways Ian Micah. We are so very proud and thankful to be your parents! We praise our God for you!
We love you from here to the moon,
Momma and Daddy

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Cast Your Vote!

What Kind of Morning Person are You?


You can cast your vote on the side!!
Come on, do it - it'll be fun. Humor me!! ;)

THREE more...

...days until my first born turns the big 4 years old! You know what this means don't you???

Well, I realized suddenly what it meant the other day when I took the boys to chick-fil-a (I seriously had to open another tab and google that to make sure I was spelling it correctly;). When Ian turns 4 he will no longer be a TODDLER. Which, when I think about the actual word "toddler", Ian has seemed so much older than what my initial connotations are that go along with that word for a very long time. But to look up in the play area at a sign and see that there is a specific section for toddlers - "3 and under" and then to realize that in a few short days he will be too "old" to play in that area seems a little mind boggling. Because, after all, I just brought him home!

and overnight (it seems) he has grown into....

While pregnant with both of my boys I remember often reading this poem ~

Before you were conceived I wanted you.

Before you were born I loved you.

Before you were here an hour I would die for you.

This is the miracle of love.

~Maureen Hawkins

Hudson will have his 2nd birthday just 9 days after Ian. And oh how he has blessed our life also!!

I still long for those hours upon hours of my sweet babies falling asleep on my chest, breathing in rhythm together, watching the amazing facial expressions they make while snoozing.

*sigh* (a joyful sigh by the way;)

...and now for some randomly fun pics of the boys

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Tis' the Season...

This has quite literally been the hardest year of my life.

I watched the man who use to carry me to bed on his feet pass from this world. I begged God to save him, to heal him, to give me more time, more conversations, for my boys to know him more....more, more, more. He said, no. He healed him - but not how I asked.

I have fallen to a pile on the floor in anguish because my heart feels like it will literally burst from pain. But I lived.

I have been angry and distant from my God. I have relived reasons to justify my fury with my husband. I have thought divorce would be a welcome peace more than a dozen times.

If it were not for my two boys, I could have easily driven for days, weeks, months without looking back. Convincing myself that leaving my life behind would be easier than continuing the one I had. and maybe it would be.

I have challenged my choice of jobs, wondering if it ever really was my gift - allowing the overwhelming push of the paper to make me doubt.

most recently, I have knocked, rather pounded and screamed (with thousands of warriors) at God's door to heal the body of a college friend... a mother, a wife, daughter, sister, passionate follower of His. He took her home.

Months and months, I have begged for peace. and He finally answered...or maybe I finally listened. This past Sunday night I went to bed angry, resentful, unforgiving and begging, begging, begging God for peace, for PEACE!!!

He said, Okay...but Listen!

Monday morning I woke up - and I listened.
I prayed over my children; prayed over my husband (whom the day before I wanted out of my life). I drove to work and I listened. I drove home and I listened. I loved on my husband (whom I wanted out of my life the day before) and listened. I played with my kids and I listened.
and you know what...the peace came, it encompassed me, cradled me, held me close and protected me. Even that afternoon when Jenny, my friend, went to be with Jesus.

I'm not saying I'm all of a sudden okay or completely healed...but I'm learning to listen and I'm working and allowing work to be done in me. I'm embracing this new season.

This season of healing and hope.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Saturday, June 13, 2009

God's grace...

"The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you". - Fredrick Buechner

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Way Back Wednesday

Dad and I (and Ian;)

Dad and I

Dad, Nathan, and I


Ian and Grammy

Steve and I (Knights Feast;)

Ian and Hudson


Ian and Hudson (he was SO tiny)

Ian announcing to Daddy the big news!! (how freaked out does that smile look?;)




mommy and Ian



Monday, May 25, 2009

the day the music died...

It's been one week since my dad passed away. I ache, I physically ache.

I am still in shock - sometimes I literally scoff out loud because it seems absolutely absurd that he could no longer be "here". I cannot process this. i cannot!

then come the huge wave of emotions...

there are thoughts of all the things and moments i will miss with him, the moments my kids will miss - it seems so unimaginable.

i whispered in his ear at the hospital that i knew that even if he were 100 years old i would never be ready for him to go, but halfway there is just impossible for me to comprehend. i needed more time.

every morning since the day i got the call, i have thought... if i could somehow just go back 24 hours, 48 hours, then 72 hours, then a few days...and it goes on.

if somehow, i could travel back in time and beg him to go to the dr. or call him the morning of and convince him to just go straight to a hospital - i know these are crazy irrational thoughts, but i have them. every day, several times a day.

it just doesn't seem like it can be real.

and my life now seems to be divided into two parts:
1. when dad was alive
2. after dad passed away.
the spiderman balloon hovering in the bottom of my closet from ian's birthday party - dad was still here; the milk in the fridge that i pour into hudson's bottle - dad was still here; the beautiful flowers and plants sitting on my porch - after; the water sprinkler ian runs through laughing hysterically - after.

in the midst of this enormous pain, there is a peace that God has covered us with. He has kept me from exploding from the inside out - even though it feels like i am suffocating.

We had a Celebration Of Life for dad on thursday evening. we sat outside on his friend's land where he would spend many evenings playing guitar on the porch.

and i can say with everything that i am, that dad would have loved it!

when we walked into dad's house for the first time a week and a half ago, on the dry erase board hanging in his kitchen was the quote, "Be the change you wish to see in this world" - and Chris spoke about dad being that change.
people ate and remembered how goofy and fun and loving and talented he was.
his friends that he is in a band with played a song that he co-wrote called, "Goodbye Everybody" (it was written this past january and we found it in one of his guitar cases while he was still in icu).

Another way that God comforted us.

we watched a slideshow of pictures of pieces of his life. we stayed late into the night sitting on his friend's porch listening to them play their acoustic guitars and singing.

i hated to leave - it felt like he was there.

i know that dad is okay, i take peace in that. but i ache beyond words of the pain that is caused by the separation.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

a Plethora of Precious Past-due Postworthy Pictures

First, I love alliterations. Second, here are some super cute random pictures that have been taken during our blog vacation...enjoy!