This has quite literally been the hardest year of my life.
I watched the man who use to carry me to bed on his feet pass from this world. I begged God to save him, to heal him, to give me more time, more conversations, for my boys to know him more....more, more, more. He said, no. He healed him - but not how I asked.
I have fallen to a pile on the floor in anguish because my heart feels like it will literally burst from pain. But I lived.
I have been angry and distant from my God. I have relived reasons to justify my fury with my husband. I have thought divorce would be a welcome peace more than a dozen times.
If it were not for my two boys, I could have easily driven for days, weeks, months without looking back. Convincing myself that leaving my life behind would be easier than continuing the one I had. and maybe it would be.
I have challenged my choice of jobs, wondering if it ever really was my gift - allowing the overwhelming push of the paper to make me doubt.
most recently, I have knocked, rather pounded and screamed (with thousands of warriors) at God's door to heal the body of a college friend... a mother, a wife, daughter, sister, passionate follower of His. He took her home.
Months and months, I have begged for peace. and He finally answered...or maybe I finally listened. This past Sunday night I went to bed angry, resentful, unforgiving and begging, begging, begging God for peace, for PEACE!!!
He said, Okay...but Listen!
Monday morning I woke up - and I listened.
I prayed over my children; prayed over my husband (whom the day before I wanted out of my life). I drove to work and I listened. I drove home and I listened. I loved on my husband (whom I wanted out of my life the day before) and listened. I played with my kids and I listened.
and you know what...the peace came, it encompassed me, cradled me, held me close and protected me. Even that afternoon when Jenny, my friend, went to be with Jesus.
I'm not saying I'm all of a sudden okay or completely healed...but I'm learning to listen and I'm working and allowing work to be done in me. I'm embracing this new season.
This season of healing and hope.